Anger after cancer treatment
Terence
Terence shares his experience of life after cancer and dealing with feelings of anger and depression
Life after cancer
TW: Suicide, self-harm
For years after I had cancer, I had a lot of anger inside me, a lot of hatred against the world and towards anyone who hadn’t suffered like I had. I carried this anger around with me like the tumour I once had. I let it consume me which resulted in me hurting people I loved, making mistakes along the way. Mistakes I’ll always regret.
Years passed and I become worse. I put myself in situations where I could possibility get physically or emotionally hurt. Just so I could feel something, something that would take my mind away from focusing on how I actually felt. I focused on everything that was negative. I let people’s opinions define my actions and how I thought about myself. My perceptions of life had become very dark. When people asked me how I was, I’d reply: “I’ll be better when I’m dead.” I dwelled on these thoughts continuously every day. I was angry all the time.
I couldn’t physically get myself out of bed, the things I found joy and happiness in no longer interested me. My relationship with my girlfriend, with friends and family members suffered. More importantly though the relationship with myself suffered the most. Thoughts of ending my life became normal, every second thought was one of self-harm. I would fantasise over suicide, for hours on end the different ways it’s possible. Every time I saw a bridge, my thought would be: would I die if I jumped?
The things I found joy and happiness in no longer interested me
I always thought I was okay because I’d told myself the feelings that I was experiencing were normal. When in fact they were far from it. I broke down and spoke to my mum. I’d realised that I had never processed any of my past traumas surrounding my cancer journey. I told her everything I was experiencing. She, as the wonderful mother she is, gave me her wisdom.
I soon realised that actually talking about my problems really helped. I spoke about my thought process and how it had become so toxic, how I had no motivation and found no joy or happiness in anything. I realised I’d dealt with my life’s traumas through anger, smiles, alcohol and bad decisions. It sounds simple but I always thought I was headstrong. But even the strongest need some help from time to time.
I started to view the world differently. I stopped focusing on the negatives. I spent my time doing good things for good people. I started off by giving simple compliments to people, even strangers. I invested my time into people who cared which in turn gave me massive gratification. Quality time is more important than anything money can buy. There’s a great pleasure in doing good things, especially for people who are deserving and who truly appreciate you and what you have to offer.
Feeling happy again after cancer
I always thought I had to do stuff for people so they loved me when actually people will love me for who I am rather than what I have to offer. I learnt to stop letting people’s opinions become a reflection on me because it’s not, it’s a reflection on them and their own insecurities - that’s why they put others down because they aren’t happy with themselves.
I’m 28 years old now and it’s been over 10 years now since I was first diagnosed. I’m now in a much better head space and I’ve got people around me who love and support me. I now recognise triggers within my mind and stop them before they manifest into something worse. There’s nothing more frightening than being alone with your own thoughts. I’ve got a new lease of life and I look forward to seeing what my future has in store. At 27 I always thought I’d never see my 28th birthday. I look back on my life and I’ve got regrets, but then who hasn’t? I could’ve treated certain people around me a little better, but I’ve said my apologies and made my peace. I wouldn’t change a thing because it’s made me who I am now.
Here are a few tips on how to deal with anger after cancer
- Talk openly and honestly about what is really going on, hold nothing back. People around you deserve to know the truth about how you feel, they need to know if you’re suffering.
- Write things down if you don’t feel ready to speak to others, revisit and reflect later and realise how far you’ve come.
- Look at people around you - surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. Accept nothing but you’re worth then this will help you build foundations for a new positive mindset.
- Accept what has happened. Don’t be so hard on yourself and realise that the pain you’ve suffered isn’t because you’ve done anything wrong.
- Think about how you speak to yourself: you wouldn’t speak to others like that would you? So how can you treat yourself that way? Please try to be kind to yourself.