I looked and felt so different after cancer – it stopped making sense

My appearance didn’t match how I felt inside

Identity issues are still something I struggle with today. I had really long blonde hair before cancer. I didn’t want it to fall out, I didn’t want to go through the trauma of that. 

All through treatment I wore headscarves. At that time, not having hair matched what I was going through, so I didn’t mind it as much – it made sense. 

Then I got the all clear. I’d kept going to the gym, I was playing football, badminton, doing all these things. I felt so fit and strong – but my hair still looked like I was going through cancer treatment. Then it stopped making sense. 

I struggled with being queer during that time, especially when my hair had started growing back but it was short. 

With short hair, I felt like I fitted into a ‘box’ of the queer identity that I didn’t feel like I should fit into – because inside I didn’t feel like that. I felt like I should have long blonde hair. It completely threw me off. 

It’s not until very recently that I’ve started feeling happier with my hair and how I look, and I feel in control again. 

I was more worried about how my mum would feel 

When my mum was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma in 2019, we were shocked and confused. She lived the healthiest lifestyle. She never drank or smoked, and she went to the gym.  

We thought: ‘How has it happened to her?’ It is a cliché, but it was something I always thought happened to other people and not to us. 

I went to visit my mum in hospital as much as I could, and helped look after her when she 
had complications. She’d only just finished treatment when I was about to start my dance degree. I was unsure about going away, but she insisted. She kept saying, ‘Just go. I’ll be fine!’ 

When I was then diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma, my first thought was: ‘My mum is still recovering from cancer, and she now has to watch me go through it’. 

I was more worried about how she would feel. She cried when I told her as she was scared for me. She knew exactly what I was about to go through. 

I sat there and thought: ‘You get it’ 

Teenage Cancer Trust hosts a week of shows at the Royal Albert Hall, and I was invited along to the Ultimate Backstage Experience where you get to do a tour of the hall, a music workshop and then we saw Underworld perform. 

We were allowed to pick someone to go with us, and I chose to invite my mum. It marked the end of both of our cancer journeys and allowed us to celebrate in a way that we wouldn’t have been able to afford otherwise. 

We had so many meaningful conversations that day that we’d not had before. I think we both felt really safe in the environment and that allowed us to open up to each other. I was so grateful to experience that and celebrate what we’d both been through.  

Because I decided to be treated close to home instead of on one of Teenage Cancer Trust’s units, I didn’t meet anyone else my age with cancer. The Royal Albert Hall trip allowed me to meet other people who knew exactly what I was going through. We talked about our experiences, and I sat there and thought: ‘You get it’. 

It was a great feeling as it’s easy to feel isolated when you have cancer at that age. We’ve kept in touch since via social media and it’s great to have that network. I’m so grateful to Teenage Cancer Trust for the whole experience. 

Dating, dance and life after cancer 

I didn’t find dating after cancer easy. I had quite a lot of confidence in how I looked before I had cancer, and I looked and felt quite different afterwards. I thought: ‘How can I be myself when I don’t know how I feel?’  

When I met my partner Gwynn, it just felt easy, and things fell into place romantically and as friends. We had so many conversations about cancer. She didn’t have direct experiences, but she’d had friends who had cancer. 

We’ve now launched a professional dance company and launched a show. We’ve created a performance art piece about queer love. We researched a lot of historical queer relationships and queer artists. It’s great to be doing something that I love. 

I took a year out from my degree when I was diagnosed with cancer. I had chemo from July until December, and went back to uni the following September. I’m so grateful that I did as I met Gwynn there. If I hadn’t gone back that year I wouldn’t have met her. 

I worked as hard as I could on my degree, and the day the scores came out my tutor told me that not only was I top of my class, but I got the highest marks in the past decade. My parents are so proud of me.